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Greetings and all that bollocks.

Here is where you can address your questions to Dr. Clive Owen, surly therapist and author of Bugger Off, You Neurotic Wanker

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( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
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robyn_ma
Jun. 6th, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive,

My boyfriend won't commit to me. We've been going out for, like, six years! What can I do?

- robyn_ma
(Deleted comment)
dr_clive_owen
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
Dear Tentatively Hopeful and Quivering in Anticipation,

No.

Fiercely,

Dr. Clive

PS: Same as a growler.

PPS: No, I sold them all for experiments.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - dr_clive_owen - Jun. 6th, 2008 07:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - dr_clive_owen - Jun. 6th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - dr_clive_owen - Jun. 6th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bookgirlwa - Jun. 8th, 2008 12:00 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Both of you birds, shut the fuck up. - dr_clive_owen - Jun. 8th, 2008 12:34 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Both of you birds, shut the fuck up. - lorifury - Jun. 8th, 2008 05:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
grandmofhelsing
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Dr. Clive,

A recent genetic test revealed that I'm lacking a gene that allows other people to feel empathy. This caused me to immediately feel sorry for all of those poor bastards who are feeling sorry for people all the time. What can I do?
rikibeth
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:08 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive,

I grew up never really believing I'd make it to 30, because I was convinced that someone was going to start a nuclear war and wipe us all off the face of the planet.

But the world leaders haven't cooperated and here I am, 38 years old, with NO IDEA what I want to do when I grow up, because I hadn't expected to grow up.

What do I do NOW?
(Deleted comment)
chris_walsh
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive,

My boyfriend refuses to say anything to me other than the lyrics to a-ha's "Take On Me." I mean, c'mon, it's a nice song, but aren't there better ways for us to talk?

Dancily,

I'll Be Gone
coyotegoth
Jun. 6th, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive- I live in a small rural area, with a great many free-roaming livestock, but not so many women. Now, I have no ulterior motive in asking this, but- well, humans can't get cows pregnant, can they...?

Signed,
Rural Romantic
scarbaby
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:39 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr Clive,

I have some really annoying neighbours who keep coming over and "borrowing" things without asking my permission. As I am not in possession of a firearm or permit to own said firearm, what do you suggest I do?

Sincerely,
Fred Rogers
setsuled
Jun. 7th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive;

Everything's absolutely awful and I don't know who else to talk to! Because yesterday, at tea, Bernice, that's my friend from second year of college--anyway, she gave me this look, you know? Okay--backstory; Bernice has been plotting with Felicia to take my Ronald away from me—I think they want to hurt him! His heart, I mean. I suppose I ought to've mentioned that first--anyway, Ronald's this gracious and wonderful clerk at a little bookstore in Cheshire and he always gives me these really sweet looks. When I saw him glance at a copy of Flowers in the Attic, I knew he could see straight through my whole life and he was very accepting.

But Bernice and Felicia intend to kill him before he can ask me out! You think I'm crazy? How else am I suppose to interpret the red tea Bernice spilt on my lace table cloth? Six days ago! Oh, they laughed and she seemed dreadfully sorry, but . . . Well, I've been doing origami and I make Bernice and Felicia into geese! I'm wicked, I know, and sometimes I think . . . Well, I want to do something. Oh, I have the most awful ideas sometimes! But they're trying to hurt him, after all! I mean, break his heart. Maybe it's natural I get strange thoughts with the smell around here--I think something died in the wall, the rot smell is as oppressive as wet paint.

Help me, Dr. Clive!


Signed,
Trapped!
liveavatar
Jun. 7th, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive -

I'm here to get a second opinion about something I heard from Dr. Rufus Sewell. I'm very confused about my relationships with men (and with women, but that's a different story). Dr. Sewell doesn't seem to have a very good attitude towards women: he says all they want is men's blood, pride, and the hearts out of their bodies. But I do believe that he's overstated the case; certainly I wouldn't want more than one of those at most.

What are your views on the ideal relations between men and women?

- Dr. Judith Schlesinger
chris_walsh
Jun. 7th, 2008 07:40 pm (UTC)
I still maintain that Goose couldn't have died the way he did in Top Gun. Couldn't his death have been something more plausible? And dude, you've worked with Jerry Bruckheimer (before, of course, you became a doctor), can't you talk some sense into him so he doesn't violate the laws of nature again? Or at least doesn't make Kangeroo Jack Too?
angevin2
Jun. 7th, 2008 10:12 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Clive,

I really like this girl I go to school with. She smells appallingly luscious, like freesias or something, and it's all I can do not to jump on her in chem lab and drink her blood. But if I did that, I'd mess things up for my family, and also I'd have no prom date. How can I stave off my throbbing biological urges long enough to go to prom in style?

Yours truly,

Frantic in Forks

P.S. Also I think I might be gay.
lorifury
Jun. 8th, 2008 05:34 am (UTC)
Dear Dr Clive,
I starred in this really shitty movie called "P.S. I Love You" and now I'm too embarassed to leave the house.

Dr Clive, what was I thinking? Can you offer any suggestions on how I might pick a decent movie?

Yours,
Gerard Butler
mswyrr
Jun. 8th, 2008 08:06 am (UTC)
Dr. Clive,

I doubt your existence, your experience and, frankly, your choice of LJ style: your putting on pink and daisies is like the exact opposite of a venomless snake wearing the stripes of one of its toxic breathern. Nevertheless, I'm desperate.

I need you to proscribe me a slice of chocolate cake as a mood elevator.

Hopefully,
mswyrr
mswyrr
Jun. 8th, 2008 08:17 am (UTC)
PS I don't want to hear any cliched, misogynistic bullshit about PMS chocolate cravings or dress sizes. Either give me my damn medical justification for cake or kindly keep your big gob shut about this particular inquiry.

(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - mswyrr - Jun. 8th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
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